Ultimate Truth or Dare: The Phantom of the Opera
by WolfCloud CrimsonRain
Summary: The deepest darkest secrets of your favorite phantom characters are unveiled! ...Just look at it!
1. Round 1: Introduction

Heh, I've found that I've suddenly got a lot of time on my hands. Here's my drastic attempt to get my muse back wiiiiiiith... A phantom parody! That's right, it's the truth or dare game show with your favorite phantom characters!  
  
The rules are:  
  
You must either do the dare as asked or answer the question truthfully (We have ways of knowing!) If not, you will be eliminated.  
  
You are not allowed to leave the room at any time.  
  
3) None of the dares may be impossible to achieve (Such as "I dare you  
to make 1+1 equal 4&"). Also, no dares that involve death (Erik:  
Awwww), getting someone eliminated (Erik: Awwww), or sexual content  
(Erik: . . .).  
  
Just keep it rated to the point of PG-13. Anything above that and you will be shot.  
  
So now that you know the game, let's play!  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(Erik, Christine, Raoul, Meg, Madame Giry, Carlotta, Piangi and Nadir walk in. The room is spacey- The only piece of furniture is a chimney. A glass bottle lies in the middle of the floor.)  
  
Meg: What are we supposed to do now?  
  
Piangi: That is a quite seemple! We sit arrround thees bottle and play "speen the bottle"!  
  
Christine: I thought this was a truth or dare game. . .  
  
Carlotta: Who cares! Leesten to Ubaldo!  
  
Raoul: How are we supposed to sit?  
  
Nadir: I believe it is custom that we sit "boy-girl".  
  
(It is agreed. Raoul takes a seat next to Christine. On the other side of him is Carlotta. She is sitting next to Piangi who is sitting next to Madame Giry, who is sitting next to Nadir, who is sitting next to Meg. Christine notices that they are missing one person. She turns around to face our Phantom.)  
  
Christine: Erik, why aren't you sitting down?  
  
Erik: . . .  
  
Christine: Please sit down, Erik. You can sit next to me if you like.  
  
Raoul: (Clenches his fists.)  
  
Erik: . . .  
  
Christine: What's wrong? Nothing will happen if you just sat-  
  
Erik: I don't know how to play!  
  
Christine: . . .What was that?  
  
Erik: I don't know how to play this blasted game, ok? I was never invited to play your silly games when I was a boy and now I suffer because I have no idea how to play this damned game which I have no idea how I got into in the first place! I DON'T KNOW HOW TO PLAY!  
  
(The rest of the cast look at each other, a bit in awe.)  
  
Christine: Well, Erik. . . I don't know how to play either.  
  
Erik: You. . . Don't?  
  
Madame Giry: Neither do I. . . Meg, do you know?  
  
Meg: To tell you the truth, I've never heard of this game until now.  
  
(Carlotta and Piangi admit to there ignorance to how the game is played as well. After a few minutes, Raoul too confesses. It seems the only who has played is The Persian.)  
  
Nadir: In Persia, it was custom that we learn to play this game in our infancy. The Shah said it taught us torture at an early age. I always wound up playing with the kahnum -.-'  
  
Erik: (Showing rare sympathy in his eyes.) Oh, you poor thing!  
  
Carlotta: Enough of thees! I came here to play a game and I wish to know how to play eet! If you would be so kind. . .  
  
Nadir: Oh, but of course Senora. (While Nadir explains, Christine turns back to Erik and pats the ground next to her to invite him over. Blushing beneath his mask, he walks over and sits next to her contently. Raoul is too busy paying attention to notice.) *Ahem.* You see, one of asks another one of us "truth or dare". If the other one of us say "truth", the one of us will have to ask the other one of us a question and they will have to answer truthfully. But, if the other one of us says "dare", the one of us will dare the other one of us to do something and the other one of us must do it.  
  
Raoul: . . .I don't get it!  
  
Nadir: Well, how about we start then so you can see how it goes. I'll ask first.  
  
Piangi: Nonsense! We will spin the bottle to see who goes!  
  
Nadir: (Ignoring Piangi.) Hmmm. . . You know what? Raoul? Truth or dare?  
  
Raoul: Uh... Truth?  
  
Nadir: Now I will ask you a question and you have to tell the true answer! We'll start with an easy question without too much pressure. Alright. . . Who was the first person you ever kissed?  
  
Raoul: (Eyes bulging.) That's supposed to be easy!? Well. . .  
  
Christine: (Sighing.) Go ahead, Raoul. . . I don't mind.  
  
Raoul: . . .My brother.  
  
(The room is silent for a moment. Then smirks arise from Erik and Nadir. Christine eventually joins in, chuckling to herself. Erik looses control and bursts into wild giggle fits. Raoul looks quite disgruntled. And mad. Did I mention disgruntled?)  
  
Nadir: Now it's your turn, monsieur de Chagny. Ask anyone in this room "truth or dare"?  
  
Raoul: Alright then. . . You, monsieur phantom pants! Truth or dare!?  
  
Erik: (Controlling his laughter.) Dare!  
  
Raoul: I DARE YOU TO STOP LOVING CHRISTINE!  
  
(Gasps fill the room. Meg screams. Erik seems quite calm, however.)  
  
Madame Giry: But isn't that an impossible dare? Besides, we have no way of knowing whether or not he really DOES stop loving her even of he did!  
  
Erik: Relax, Madame! Nothing is impossible for me! Watch and learn. (Erik gets up and walks over to Raoul.) I speak truthfully, monsieur. I never loved Christine.  
  
(More gasping fills the room. Meg screams again. Christine looks horrified. The bottle spontaneously explodes.)  
  
Raoul: But that is impossible! You have often made confessions of your love to her!  
  
Erik: I would never confess anything to a book!  
  
(The room falls silent.)  
  
Raoul: . . .What?  
  
Erik: You told me to stop loving Christine. Well, I hated that book. So bland if you ask me. I despise that Stephen King. And they called it a thriller! Bah!  
  
Raoul: But. . . I meant her! (Points to Christine.)  
  
Erik: Oh! I thought you meant the blasted movie. Silly me. . . Well, it would in any case appear that your turn is over since I stopped loving "Christine" and it is now my turn!  
  
Raoul: B-b-but you're cheating the system! You think you're smart, mixing my words around! Why you little- GRRRR!  
  
(Christine smiles and gives Erik a hug around the shoulders once he has sat back down. Raoul's temper grows even more. Christine does the same for Raoul. He doesn't seem anymore cooled down.)  
  
Erik: Monsieur Piangi! Truth or dare?  
  
Piangi: Truth!  
  
Erik: (Deciding not to torture anyone at the moment since he is in a very good and unusual mood.) Why are you still alive? I thought I killed you. . .  
  
Piangi: You see, I do not quite know how eet is that I'm steel alive. Actually. . . Why are YOU steel alive? I thought you were attacked by that mob! And een that one novel it was even written that you died. . .  
  
Erik: I refrain from answering that question! Besides, senor, you did not ask me truth or dare, and I believe the rules state that you cannot ask someone "truth or dare" right after they have asked you.  
  
Piangi: I suppose you are right. . .  
  
Erik: You better suppose! (Mutters to himself.) IkeptyourbloodysecretsnookywookyIhopeyourhappy.  
  
Piangi: Madame Giry! Dare or truth?  
  
Madame Giry: (Looking puzzled.) Dare or tr-  
  
Piangi: Ha ha! She says dare! Alright, meessus Giry, I dare you to. . . To. . . Uh. . . I dare you to walk around the room weethout your cane!  
  
(Madame Giry looks oddly at him, drops the cane, then walks around the room in a matter of 17 seconds. Everyone looks in awe except Meg and Erik.)  
  
Piangi: But how deed you do that weethout treeping or falling?  
  
Meg: She doesn't need the cane. She just carries it around to whack people with. She's also very lazy. The cane lets her walk while slouching and not falling over.  
  
Erik: I've seen her pace around the stage alone without it plenty of times. It is indeed a clever masquerade.  
  
Meg: Wait, you watch my mother?  
  
(Erik receives odd glances from everyone in the room.)  
  
Erik: . . .I watch everyone!  
  
(The odd glances intensify.)  
  
Erik: IT'S NOT MY FAULT THAT ALL OF YOU PEOPLE DECIDED TO INVADE MY OPERA HOUSE!  
  
(Christine exchanges glances with Carlotta, as do Meg and her mother and Raoul and Nadir. Piangi is muttering under his breath.)  
  
Piangi: EetmaybeyouroperabuteetisMYstage!  
  
Erik: I heard that. . .  
  
Piangi: Help! (Runs to hide behind Carlotta.)  
  
Madame Giry: Well, I believe it is my turn to ask someone a question. . . Meg, truth or dare?  
  
Meg: (Looking very nervous.) Uh. . . Truth.  
  
Madame Giry: Where were you last night during practice for the new ballet?  
  
Meg: (Shying under her glance.) I was out at the *other* opera house. . . Studying the dancers!  
  
(A siren suddenly turns on and the house blinks black and red. Two guards rush in through the door and holst Meg up by both arms.)  
  
Guard #1: Alright missy! You're coming with us!  
  
Guard #2: We know what you did last evening!  
  
Meg: I'll never tell! I'll never tell!  
  
Guard #2: La Jammes told us the whole thing! We know where you were, who you were with, even. . . What you did!  
  
Meg: No! Don't tell them! Anything but that, anything!  
  
Guard #1: You're coming with us!  
  
(Meg is assisted out of the house by Guards #1 and #2. The remaining cast members all look quite baffled. Madame Giry looks smug.)  
  
Madame Giry: I knew it! She was seeing that horrid little boy across the street, wasn't she? I'm driving her to ballet from now on, no buts about it!  
  
(The door opens again to reveal a woman with wolf ears on her head and a silver tail carrying a tribal looking staff with a skull atop it (AKA Me). She shuts the door and walks to the center of the group.)  
  
WolfCloud CrimsonRain: Meg is out of the game for lying on her turn! You are the remaining contestants! You will meet in this exact same room again when. . . When I feel like it. Now go!  
  
(The cast members happily rush out the door, shoving each other out of the way. The only one who remains in there other than WolfCloud is Raoul, staring at the floor.)  
  
Raoul: What the hell just happened?  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Mr. Phantom Pants is © StarBlade DragonFang.  
  
Ultimate Truth or Dare is © WolfCloud CrimsonRain (Even though someone has probably done it before).  
  
Phantom of the Opera is © Gaston Leroux.  
  
My Muse is © lost. 


	2. Round 2: A Devious Plan

Well, good news: My muse has been sighted and I've got a bit more creativity 'cuz of it! Bad news: Computer problems are going to keep me from typing up my other story. I promise I'll try to have chapter five of "Dances With Wolves" up by Sunday, and if I don't, it's because I'm typing a story that got deleted for school. Blasted computer. . . Anyway, here's the next chapter of my lovely little phantom parody. To tell you the truth, I didn't want to get rid of Meg. However, I didn't want to get rid of anyone. . . So instead of getting rid of a less appreciated character right away, I got rid of Meg because she already had a few lines. Why Meg, you ask? Well I sure as hell wasn't going to get rid of Erik =P  
  
But who knows? Maybe she'll come back ^_~  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
(The room is very empty. Fragments of the exploded bottle have been cleaned up. The only noise is a little blue bird outside, singing sweetly. However, that bird's song is quickly interrupted as Carlotta slams the door and walks in. Piangi slowly follows in after her, looking cautiously around to make sure no one else is in the room.)  
  
Piangi: Senora, what ees thees about?  
  
Carlotta: I wanted to talk to you.  
  
Piangi: But couldn't we have talked back at the hotel ro-  
  
Carlotta: (Getting into a fiery temper.) NO! WE COULD NOT! WE MUST TALK NOW AND HERE!  
  
Piangi: (Shaking visibly.) O-ok. . .  
  
Carlotta: Good. Now, we must find a way to ween thees theeng and end eet quickly! Thees horrible game has gone on much too long, and eet could be the end of us!  
  
Piangi: (Still confused why they couldn't talk in the hotel.) Eet has only been a one day, senora. Steel. . . I believe you are right. A how do we end thees?  
  
Carlotta: Seemple! We weel go after them one at a time until they arrrrre crushed! Dare them to do somethink they'd nevar do! Today we weel go after that toad Christine Daae!  
  
(Dun dun dun!)  
  
Piangi: Christine? But eef we do somethink to her, that phantom weel strangle our necks! . . . AGAIN!  
  
(Dun dun dun!)  
  
Carlotta: Arrrre you ducking out on me, Ubaldo? Look, eef he attempts to keel either of us, that wolf girl theeng weel disqualify heem! We can deal with the vicomte that way as well. Theenk of eet! Three out een one day!  
  
Piangi: Alright. . . But what do we ask her?  
  
(Carlotta has no time to answer when the door opens and Erik, Christine, Raoul, Mme. Giry, and Nadir are forced through the door way. WolfCloud sticks her head in.)  
  
WolfCloud CrimsonRain: Same rules as yesterday. Break 'em and I break you! Mrs. Giry gets to pick which one of you asks truth or dare. However, you cannot ask her. (Looks suspiciously at Carlotta and Piangi.) Oh, and you two. . . If you want to give each other singing lessons, do it somewhere else!  
  
(The door slams shut. Piangi looks purely relieved while Carlotta looks furious.)  
  
Carlotta: Seenging lessons? I'll show you who needs seenging lessons!  
  
Erik: Senora, do sit down! We already know how badly you need lessons!  
  
(Carlotta's eyes burn as she lunges at Erik. Piangi attempts to hold her back but is having some trouble. Nadir jumps up to hold her back as well, aware of what danger Carlotta would be in if she got anywhere near Erik.)  
  
Raoul: If you'll excuse me, I'd like to play a game with civilized gentlemen!  
  
(Raoul receives death glares from Christine, Mme. Giry, and the further enraged Carlotta.)  
  
Raoul: What?  
  
(Everyone decides to ignore Raoul's blunt misconception and manage some how to simmer down.)  
  
Nadir: Now I believe it was Madame Giry who would choose one of us to go first today. Please make you choice, Madame.  
  
Madame Giry: Thank you, monsieur. (Picks up her cane and starts playing eeny meeny mini mo.) Out goes Y-O-U! Well, Senora, it appears you go first.  
  
Carlotta: (Smiling maniacally.) And I know just who to pick. . . Chorus Girl!  
  
Raoul: She has a name, you know.  
  
Carlotta: SILENCE! Truth or Dare, Mademoiselle?  
  
Christine: Dare.  
  
Carlotta: I dare you to tell us wheech one you love more. . . The vicomte or the phantom!  
  
(More gasps come from Nadir and Piangi. Mme. Giry screams in Meg's place. Carlotta is grinning evilly. Christine looks devastated. Only Erik and Raoul look calm.)  
  
Erik: Go on, bluebird, tell them. You'd only be confessing your true love to 4 other people.  
  
Raoul: Go right ahead, dear. I believe we can both be amiable gentlemen in this case. Besides, if you were to leave now I would beat that bi- I mean, evil woman for asking you such a question!  
  
Erik: (At hearing this, reaches into his vest to grip around a rope-like object.)  
  
Carlotta: (Whispering to Piangi.) Perfect. . .  
  
Christine: Well. . . Raoul has been my closest friend since childhood. If he ever needed me for something I would be at his side in a heart beat. But Erik is my teacher and also my angel. He saved me from a life as an innocent woman knowing nothing. I love Raoul more than Erik, but I love Erik more than Raoul. Just in different senses.  
  
(Awwwwws are heard from everyone save Carlotta. Even Piangi finds this story touching.)  
  
Carlotta: (After giving Piangi a death glare.) But I think I specified in saying that you had to love one more than the other!  
  
Nadir: (Noticing Erik produce the Punjab lasso after noticing Christine look in a state of panic, hops up from his seat.) But you did not say which type of love! There for your dare is void!  
  
Carlotta: NO! NO! That ees wrong! You cannot keep bending my words! May death soon come to you, little Persian man, MAY IT COME SWIFT AND DEADLY!  
  
Piangi: Perhaps we should have picked an easier target. . .  
  
Christine: So it's my turn now, is it? (Thinks for a moment, then turns to look at the man sitting to her right.) Erik! Truth or dare?  
  
Erik: (Looking very smug right now.) Dare.  
  
Carlotta: (With a new scheme fresh in her mind, she turns to Raoul and whispers to him.) Get ready for her to answer my question.  
  
Raoul: (Whispering back.) No, Christine wouldn't. . . Not here! Not in front of me! (Begins bringing his fists down on the floor.) She loves me more, I know it! I know it! I- (Begins speaking very pained.) . . .Found a shard of glass. . .  
  
Christine: (Looking equally as smug.) I dare you to sing to us the first composition you ever wrote!  
  
Erik: . . .You are a demon!  
  
Christine: Come on, let's hear it!  
  
Erik: Uh, I need a piano because, you see, it's very hard to play without-  
  
(A Piano magically drops from the sky and into a corner of the room, a piece already set there with odd scribbles on it. Erik cautiously approaches it, sweat dripping down his forehead. He then begins to play wonderful music, filling the room. However, he soon begins singing out in his best voice.)  
  
Erik: Sasha, Sasha, fur so softa,  
  
Wanna pet you all day long,  
  
Sasha Sasha, let's me washa,  
  
I love you Sasha, you're. . .  
  
(He cannot continue as the music is unheard over the laughter of everyone in the room. Even Erik's lovely voice could not conceal the meaning of these words. He gets up from the piano with his arms crossed and sits down by Christine once again, eyes closed in anger.)  
  
Erik: I was only 7 months old, ok!?  
  
Nadir: (Smirking.) Looks like Christine wasn't your first love after all!  
  
Carlotta: Ahahahahahaha! My God, that was the most hilarious thing I've ever heard! I was wrong when I said eet was Don Juan! Hahahahaha!  
  
Madame Giry: The funniest part is that I doubt Meg's best composition would be much better than that, and she's a grown woman!  
  
Carlotta: I must agree! That ballet rat of yours probably couldn't even understand the words!  
  
Madame Giry: (All laughter has ceased from her.) What was that?  
  
Carlotta: You heard what I said! She has about as much musical talent as her mother! Oops, I theenk I let that sleep!  
  
Madame Giry: (Stands up, kicks Piangi out of her way, and starts beating Carlotta mercilously with her cane.) You little bitch! You don't say that about my daughter! You're going down!  
  
(The Guards from before come in and try to subdue the insanity, but Mme. Giry merely turns on them instead. Suddenly, a strange dog wearing a jester's hat comes running in. He is quickly followed by WolfCloud.)  
  
WolfCloud CrimsonRain: I'll get you, you blasted, flea-ridden, good-for- nothing muse!  
  
Muse: Woohahahahahahahahahaha!  
  
(While Mme. Giry is distracted, the guards hoist her up and run out the door after WolfCloud and her muse. The rest of the cast just sit in shock. Carlotta has passed out on the floor.)  
  
Raoul: I didn't know the old woman had the power left in her to do that. . .  
  
Christine: I didn't know that Meg was so important to her. . .  
  
Erik: I didn't know that Meg was so musically inclined. . .  
  
Piangi: I didn't know Senora could ever shut up. . .  
  
Nadir: . . .I didn't know any of that!  
  
Christine: So what should we do now?  
  
Erik: I believe the answer is obvious.  
  
Raoul: So obvious that even I know it! . . .Wait. . .  
  
Nadir: We leave before she comes back!  
  
(Without another word, the cast quickly run out of the room, other than Piangi who is debating whether or not to pull Carlotta out with him.)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~ Sasha's Song is © Erik.  
  
This is still © WolfCloud CrimsonRain (Even if it has been done before).  
  
Phantom of the Opera is still © Gaston Leroux.  
  
Muse is now © being chased. 


	3. Round 3: Love Bites

(The sun has barely risen now, and yet there are noises outside. The door opens and all of the cast members are shoved in through the door. The door slams shut and on it there is a sign that says "DISOBEY THE RULES AND YOU DIE.". Erik looks clearly unphased by the sign but does nothing to provoke the wrath of the hostess. The cast of PotO get in their usual circle, despite missing two people: Erik, Christine, Raoul, Carlotta, Piangi, Nadir. Carlotta has a neck brace, her right arm in a sling, and a broken leg.)  
  
Raoul: So. . . Who will start off this horrid mess this time?  
  
Christine: Well, I dared Erik to do something and after he finished he didn't get his turn because Madame Giry started beating Carlotta. . . So I guess he goes first!  
  
Erik: Thank you, my dear. Now who to select. . . Nadir!  
  
Nadir: Before you can say another word, I will pick dare!  
  
Erik: (Smiling deviously.) I dare you to write a love letter to the kahnum, from you, Nadir Khan, send it to her, and post this as the return address.  
  
Nadir: (Eyes bulging.) YOU MONSTER! YOU WOULDN'T! I-I'LL BE KILLED!  
  
Erik: (Still smiling.) Do it.  
  
Nadir: But I can't. . . I'd have to leave the room to mail it, wouldn't I?  
  
(A postman suddenly drops in from the ceiling, blinking. There is a completely oblivious air about him.)  
  
Erik: Now do write it, and please read it aloud to us so we know what you've written. . .  
  
(Confused looks appear from all around the room, having no idea what is so wrong with this kahnum person. While Nadir writes his letter, small talk starts out amongst them.)  
  
Christine: So Raoul, what did you have for breakfast? That hotel has the greatest waffles I've ever had!  
  
Raoul: Well I had toast and jam, an omelette, pancakes with maple syrup, 3 english muffins, 5 has browns, 10 bagels with cream cheese, at least 14 eggs as a side dish, and an apple.  
  
Piangi: Hah! That ees nothink! I had 12 crepes, 7 of thees omelettes, several croissants as an after beet, a stack of waffles that was about as tall as thees room, a stack of pancakes higher than thees room, 4 plain bagels, 13 onion bagels, 10 fruit baskets, 22 blueberry muffins. . . (Piangi continues prattling on and on, the clock ticking by.) . . .6 pieces of toast, 9 baked potatoes, and a side of bacon.  
  
Christine: . . .I wasn't aware that they served all of that this early in the morning.  
  
Nadir: Done!  
  
(Erik promptly takes the note from his Persian friend's hands. He then begins reading it out loud.)  
  
Erik: "My dearest kahnum,  
  
Oh how long I've waited to say these words to you. Your eyes are heavenly fountains which all birds would flock to in minutes. Your hair is as untamed as the wind. And your petite little nose makes me tremble with joy each time I see it. I could go on and on forever about how your murder tactics fascinate me to no end, but I do not wish to waste any of your time. I love you, truly, madly, deeply. I only wish you could think the same of me.  
  
Love, Nadir Khan"  
  
Nadir! I only told you to write a love letter, not confess the deepest secrets of your heart!  
  
Nadir: I do not love her! She is a mean and vile woman who's need to kill well never cease to repulse me.  
  
Erik: And yet it enchants our little daroga at the same time. . .  
  
Carlotta: (Cleary disgusted.) Just complete thees pointless dare so that we may move on!  
  
(The postman takes the letter and dutifully runs out the door with it. It is only now that Christine realizes how much he resembles Firmin. . . But makes no accusations. They sit there for a moment before Nadir decides to take his turn, figuring there is no use in waiting all this time for a letter.)  
  
Nadir: Ok, moving on. . . Raoul, you haven't had nearly enough excitement during this, so I'll ask you again. Truth or dare?  
  
Raoul: (Seeming to understand better since the first time.) Truth.  
  
Nadir: Who is hotter: La Sorelli or Christine?  
  
Raoul: (In deep thought. . . For a change.) This one is hard. . . I think that they're both very attractive looking. Even though Sorelli has very enticing movements, Christine is definitely better in bed.  
  
(The door creaks open. The guards are both peaking through the doorway to assure that Raoul does not say anything over the rating.)  
  
Raoul: I mean, Sorelli just kind of lies there and waits for you to do something. She never even does anything once you're on her. And as for the bl-  
  
Christine: (Slaps Raoul sound and hard across the face, not saying anything.)  
  
Raoul: . . .Christine is hotter, no question.  
  
Piangi: You and the La Sorelli? I wouldn't have guessed! I mean, even I wouldn't stoop to THAT.  
  
Raoul: I was drunk!  
  
Piangi: I'll bet 1,000 francs she was too!  
  
Raoul: That's it monsieur! Truth or dare!?  
  
Piangi: Dare!  
  
Raoul: I DARE YOU TO KISS CARLOTTA!  
  
(All goes silent. Carlotta looks horror stricken. Piangi looks dead. Raoul calms down after a while, and still no one has moved. He eventually has to get up and poke him. When he does, Piangi instantly begins screaming.)  
  
Piangi: I cannot do thees, senior! Eet would keel me! Keeeeeeeeeeeeeeel me! (Stands up, looking down at Carlotta.) Back, you strange thing! LEAVE ME ALONE!  
  
(Piangi then runs out the door, pushing aside the guards who are standing there. He is waving his arms in the air wildly. The hostess steps in through the doorway, looking a little shaken.)  
  
WolfCloud CrimsonRain: . . .Why did you have to dare him to do that? We're never going to catch him now! He's going to keep running until he gets hit by a car and sent straight to the emergency room, and even then he'll still be screaming! Ubaldo, come back! (Runs after him.)  
  
Nadir: I think our little vicomte has finally learned about the ways of torture. . .  
  
Erik: Either that, or he finally picked an uncommon name that you can't change the words of. . .  
  
Carlotta: . . .I HAVE NEVER BEEN SO EENSULTED EEN ALL OF MY LIFE! You dare dare Ubaldo to keess me weethout my consent!? You, de Chagny are a despicable man! (Walks outside, slamming the door as she goes.)  
  
Christine: Oh, by the way Raoul. . . I want to have a talk with you about La Sorelli. . .  
  
Raoul: What about her?  
  
Christine: (Giving Raoul an evil glare.) Raoul. . .  
  
Raoul: What!? Look, we'll talk about. . . Whatever it is I did later, I have to go shopping for new slippers!  
  
(The cast then exit, everyone cross looking save Nadir- Christine because of Raoul, Raoul because of Christine, and Erik just because he generally looks cross when he's not happy.)  
  
~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~*~  
  
Everything is © its respectful owners.  
  
And yes, I have read the Susan Kay novel. 


	4. Round 4: Not Suitable For Children Unde...

(After what feels like MONTHS, the cast once again files back into the room. Carlotta no longer has any signs of injury. They sit in their normal order: Erik, Christine, Raoul, Carlotta, Nadir. Nothing else particularly exciting happens.)

Christine: Jeeze, it's about time we got back here to finish up this thing. I've been so bored I've started watching soap operas instead of real ones...

Erik: I still haven't figured out how to work that bloody noise box to work. Or at least go to a channel that isn't filled with love and happiness...

Nadir: What programs have YOU been watching all week?

Erik: I think it's called "Tell A Tub", I don't know. I always lose track of the plot when the green one starts dancing.

(Suddenly, a post man, this one appearing to be Andre, drops through the cieling.)

Post Man: Message for a Nadir Khan.

Nadir: (Exitedly.) Oooh! That's me!

(The man gives Nadir an envelope, which he rips open exicitedly. He suddenly drops it, realizing who it's from.)

Nadir: ...The kahnum wrote back...

Christine: Maybe that's why we had to wait so long... Because the wolf lady wanted the note to be delivered by the next round.

Post Man: (Muttering.) Do you know how difficult it is to deliver a message from France to Persia by FOOT?

Raoul: Can we get him out of here please? I want to learn the latest gossip!

(The post man makes a noise that sounds like "snuff" and leaves. Nadir then reads his letter aloud.)

Nadir: Dear Nadir...

If I were immortal, I would not think that in a million years I would hear from you again, but I am very glad to, especially what with the topic of your letter. Nadir Khan, I have felt the exact same way about you since I was a child. Your eyes are beautiful... Like two heads being decapitated. I wish to request your hand in marriage....

Love,

The Kahnum 3

Erik: (Guffawing.) My DEAR God...

Carlotta: (Not really caring.) Who cares about your childhood love? I want to star thees game up again so that I may finally leave!

Nadir: (Shaking visibly.) W-Who's t-t-turn is it?

Raoul: Oooh! I'm picking! I made Piangi all grossed out, remember?

Christine: Raoul, why are you talking like a 5 year old?

Raoul: I'm talking like a 5 year old?

Erik: You have been for about 20 years.

Carlotta: Whatever, just please peek someone!

Raoul: Alright. Christine, since you're the only nice person, you get to go.

Christine: Thank you, Raoul! I think... Nad-

Nadir: LEAVE ME ALONE!

Christine: (After jumping about a foot off the ground.) Ok... Carlotta, truth or dare?

Carlotta: Truth.

Christine: What exactly was Piangi's relation to you? Was he your husband or your room service guy... Spill.

Carlotta: (Sighs.) Eef eet weel get me out of here faster, I'll tell you... He was my vice president.

(No one seems to understand whatsoever.)

Carlotta: I was running for president? He was my vice presidential candidate? Hello?

(No guards come in to take away Carlotta.)

Christine: How is that even possible? France's government doesn't work that way.

Carlotta: Not France, America!

Erik: ...This is just stupid...

Nadir: Damn straight.

Christine: When did you get better?

Carlotta: DON'T CHANGE THE SUBJECT!

(Everyone is quiet and waits for Carlotta to explain.)

Carlotta: ...Well, that's apparently all you need to know. Monsieur with the mask, truth or dare?

Erik: No, wait, first off I want to know how a fat cow like you could even be considered a worthy president.

Raoul: Well the current preisdent IS George Bush...

Nadir: I'd vote for Carlotta over Bush any day.

(This time, Christine catches Nadir pop a happy pill, twitching slightly before doing so.)

Carlotta: Doesn't matter why we're running. Eet's your turn, Phantom.

Erik: Fine, fine, dare.

Carlotta: (Seemingly having dropped her plans for game domination.) I dare you to eat the next thing that walks into this room.

Erik: ...Ok...

Christine: There will be a delay in the game if we wait for something to come in here. Erik, go ahead and ask someone.

Erik: Thank you Christine. Vicomte, truth or dare?

Raoul: Hmmm... I chose TRUTH!

Erik: (Mutters.) Don't you always? (Voice normal again, though bored.) Have you ever worn a thong?

Nadir: ...(Immediately thrusts more happy pills into his mouth.)

Christine: (Grabs the bottle from him.) Nadir, these are sugar pills... They don't really do anything for you. ...How'd you get these anyway?

Nadir: (Twitches.) Kahnum-num sent me them...

Erik: ...Kahnum-num?

Raoul: Yes.

Erik: Yes what?

Raoul: To your question.

Erik: To my ques- OH GOD!

Christine: ...I really don't want to fathom that...

Raoul: But it's sexy!

Carlotta: (Gagging in a corner.)

Nadir: Please just go... Please? Pretty please with sugar on top and other pretty things?

Erik: ...Pretty things?

Raoul: Alright, and since you asked, I pick you, Monsieur Khan.

Nadir: Dare, and get it over with quickly, please, before I EXPLODE.

Raoul: I dare you to wear a thong!

Nadir: (Explodes.)

(The door opens and a cleaning lady, which is more or less like a cleaning duck, comes in to sweep up Nadir's remains. Erik pounces on her and, well, eats her. Whole. WolfCloud CrimsonRain comes in shortly after.)

WC(Water Closet. P): Nadir has appeared to have exploded... There fore he is unable to continue. The four finalists have been decided now. Carlotta, Christine, Erik, and Raoul. The person with the most points is... Raoul, actually.

Raoul: WOOOOOOO! What do I win?

WolfCloud: For getting the most people out, you win immunity for the next round.

Raoul: What's immunity?

WolfCloud: ...But because you're Raoul, you automatically lose that and it goes to the next person with the most points, which is Christine.

Erik: Hey, how did Christine get more points than me?

WolfCloud: Well even though you had some pretty awesome dares, she was still the last person to dare someone to do something before someone went out. You, surprisingly, didn't get anyone out, though we might technically count Nadir since your dare kind of pushed him to explode...

Carlotta: Oh, and what? I'm losing? Well I won't hear of it! (Storms out of the room back to the hotel.)

WolfCloud: I have never really liked that woman... I have never really liked life either. Oh well. (Wanders out of the room to do other stuff.)

Raoul: Is immunity anything like virginity? If so, I'll gladly give mine up to Christine!

Christine: (Slaps him for the second time since the show began.) Jeeze, when did you become such a pervert?

Raoul: Well ever since I couldn't figure out how to change the channel on the noise box in my hotel room.

Erik: I'll trade rooms with you. Anything is better than "Tell A Tub".

Raoul: Okee dokey then!

(Raoul and Erik leave, discussing their rooms, while Christine walks alone behind them, wondering what had driven her to fall in love with both an emotionally unstable murderer and a complete and utter doofus.)

WolfCloud CrimsonRain is (c) back.

Everything else is (c) respected owners.


End file.
